


Sublimation

by Rema (aetherGeologist)



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Altered Mental States, Fix-It, Gen, Indoctrination Theory, Songfic, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-08
Updated: 2014-07-08
Packaged: 2018-02-08 00:17:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 9
Words: 7,848
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1919565
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aetherGeologist/pseuds/Rema
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Liz Shepard tries to keep her grip on reality as she's asked to make the most important decision of her life.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 1.0: Lamenza

**Author's Note:**

> This is quite old, but I felt a bit awkward not having anything on my works page.
> 
> I may or may not be continuing this. I've tried a few times but never really got very far.
> 
> The quotes at the head of each chapter are from the song EXEC_over.METHOD_SUBLIMATION/. from the Ar Tonelico II soundtrack, which I've associated with the Reapers ever since the first time I heard it.

_1.0: Lamenza_

 

_Rrha ki ga rre walasye wis gyaje tes ciel, en rrha yea ra rre gyajlee deata._

_(Oh, children shrouded in unconsciousness' sins, accept your great conviction)_

_Rrha yea ra rre gyaje alroen dralee wassa._

_(Offer your shedding blood to this festival to compensate your sin's testimony)_

_didalia gauzewiga, hEmEmLYEr fanalea sephaje!_

_(Oh Great Despair, the song weaving world's creation is ringing so loud!)_

 

 

And she comes to the final push.

The smell of ash and dust even penetrates her hardsuit filters, and she's beginning to feel distinctly light headed.

That doesn't matter. The beam is ahead, and the path to it is, if not completely clear, far better than the opposition she faced earlier.

She's going to win this. They're _all_ going to win this. The cycle will end, Earth will be reclaimed - all she needs to do is get there. The doubts she felt before are extinguished, and all she needs to do is run.

So she does.

Javik and James are falling behind, but that doesn't matter. The few husks coming to meet her are no obstacle but cast aside like the annoyances they are.

They're going to win this.

Then Harbinger drops too-slowly below the fog.

She knows who it is even before the panicked voice over the radio starts to speak. How couldn't she? She's been waiting for it since the first attack on Earth. She expects taunts but the Reaper roars, a sound somewhere between crashing metal, a maddened beast and some of the more unlistenable kinds of electronica.

The sound fills the world, but she keeps running.

When the lasers fire she dodges the first and second, rolling smoothly without stopping. Out of the corner of her eye she sees James stumble, but she does not stop.

Then the third beam lances down and she can't move fast enough.

She wakes into what almost seems like a dream. The world is slow, foggy, but the beam is still ahead and so she pauses only to pick up the pistol by her feet before she continues to stumble onwards, shedding ruined armour as she moves.

It hurts. Of course it hurts. The word hurt is insufficient for what she's feeling now. But the beam is ahead and she keeps moving.

Over the radio, someone calls for a retreat. She barely notices.

The husks running towards her are each shot down. They each fall in slow motion and then there is only one obstacle left.

The marauder seems to be shaking its head, trying to persuade her to turn back even though she knows the movement can only be imaginary. It is dispatched as easily as the husks were.

And then she leaves it behind, dragging herself into the light.

There is a sense of dislocation, like the confused moments on waking from a dream, and then...

 


	2. 1.1: Beam Approach

_xO rre vonn papana fLYIpLYInO ut kvyeire qoga iem/._

_(The rain of darkness keeps falling again and again till the end of the world)_

_xO rre omness aLYIuLYIkO zodaw ess rudje noglle doodu/._

_(The lives are exhaling their dying breaths in the deep red and jet black land)_

 

He doesn't expect the blast. It knocks him off his feet, and makes his head ring. It's only as he tries to stand again when he realises that it did more than that, that the rigidity of his armour's the only reason he can stand at all.

No pain. Not yet.

He'd lost sight of Lola, but the radar on his HUD is still tracking her as she sprints towards the beam. At least he thinks that's what that's it's showing him – it's hard to tell with all the flashing red warning messages telling him MEDIGEL SUPPLY RUNNING LOW and SEEK MEDICAL ATTENTION AS SOON POSSIBLE.

One step, one shuffle. Repeat. He can still hold his gun and the beam is slowly getting closer. He's not going to let a broken leg stop him from letting the Commander run off into who the fuck knows without backup.

Then the brute leaps towards him from behind a fallen M-44.

James has been in worse situations than this. Must have been. Just can't think of any right now.

He lifts his claymore, aims, shoots. Hits the brute but the recoil forces him back off balance.

Too slowly, it stretches itself up into the prelude of a charge. He can see the crack in its plates where he hit it before _and aren't you supposed to focus on more important things than that when you're about to die?_

Then there's a flash of green light and the brute hurtles backwards, slamming against a tower block and collapsing under a pile of concrete before another blast hits it again for good measure.

James gasps for air, the adrenaline rush fading. 'B-Buggy?'

'Who else?' The prothean grabs him with red armoured hands, pulling him upright. 'We must fall back. There is a more defensible position behind us.'

'What? No, we need to give Lola some help. If you pick off the monsters I can get to the beam...' Javik's glaring at him. It's a proper glare, too. Having four eyes really helps.

'You can barely stand up. You'd die before you made it a tenth of the way.'

James hefts his gun. 'Then you go, you could make it. I can cover you from here.'

'Until one of the corrupted asari eviscerates you from behind.' His expression softens, marginally. 'If half of what the turian has told me is true, the Commander has a better chance than any of us. And,' the glare is back to its full strength 'I will not see you kill yourself through your own stupidity.'

James nods slowly. 'Right...right.' He drags himself round to follow the prothean towards the cover, watching as he does the small blue dot on his HUD move out of detection range.


	3. 2:Ee wassa sos yehar

_2:Ee wassa sos yehar_

 

_cEzLYI quga, cEzLYI shefra!_

_(I become the world's end, I become the world's creation!)_

 

 

'God... they're all gone.'

'Did we get anyone to the beam?'

'Negative. Our entire force was decimated. It's too much, we need to regroup, fall back to the buildings...'

_Heh. Shows how much you know..._ Shepard stumbles, but manages to catch herself against a wall. She's in the Citadel. Probably. But she can almost see the Collector base intrude into her vision, the dim red light sliding off piles of corpses. Even those seem wrong; indistinct, their faces blurred out of recognition like a censored newsfeed. No smell either, which has to be the strangest part of the whole thing.

But that was irrelevant right now. She needed to get moving, and stop … and stop whatever it was the Reapers were doing here. With a pistol and what felt like a malfunctioning amp. _Yeah._

She moves slowly down the cavernous hallway, her dragging feet the only sound breaking the oppressive silence. A keeper glances at her as it delicately picks its through fallen bodies: she watches it, blankly, until it passes.

'Shepard?' The voice in her earpiece is distorted, but still utterly familiar.

'Anderson. I didn't see you make it up.'

'I followed you, but we didn’t come out in the same place – well, I don't think we did. I'm in a dark hallway, it reminds me of your des... Are you all right?'

Shepard blinks as she comes back to herself, her vision momentarily ceasing to swim. 'I'm feeling like hell, but I'm still moving. What were you saying?'

'It reminds me of your description of the Collector base.'

'Makes sense that they'd be trying to build another reaper.' But as soon as she says it she's doubting it. The Collector base had been full of movement and unsettling noises: these corridors just seemed dead. But why else would the Reapers go to the effort of transporting so many people?

'Goddamn abominations. I'm going to keep moving. The sooner we blow the bastards up, the better.' He's right, of course. Even if her doubts are true, they have to keep on going forward and do as much damage as they can on the way.

It's not like they have any other options, after all.

She continues to trudge her way through the darkened hallways. Still no end in sight. Or any signs of life at all.

A gasp.

'Anderson?'

'One of the walls just realigned itself. This place is shifting. Changing.'

_Like the derelict Reaper? No. We can't be indoctrinated. Not now. Not when we're so close..._

She steps forward and the wall beside her opens up. Another hallway lies behind it, this one even more monumental in scale than the last. The sound of distant machinery fills the air from no discernible source. She straightens herself, and slowly smiles.

'Anderson, I think I've found an exit.'

There's a bridge across the corridor – which despite the curve looks almost like the geth dreadnought's gun battery, now she thinks of it – and on the far side steps lead up to an area lit in pinkish light.

'Right.' He answers. 'I see something up ahead – may be a way to cross over'

'Don't get too far ahead of me.' The bridge shifts under her feet, giant flaps of steel moving back and forth but it feels stable enough to walk on.

'Hold on... I see something. A control panel maybe. I'm just going on ahead to check...'

His voice is blotted out by an onrush of static.

'Anderson?'

There's no response.

 

She reaches the top of the staircase and pauses. The next room's a circular platform, lit pink and orange by the hologram in the centre. Above her, a massive column of indecipherable machinery raises up into darkness, its surfaces crackling with bolts of electricity. The far walls resemble a circuitboard, or perhaps a city at night from above.

There's someone standing in the middle. Backlit against the hologram, she can tell only that they're human.

She steps closer, then lowers her gun. It's Anderson. Who else was she expecting?

But as he turns around he moves oddly, stiffly, like a poorly maintained mech or an old fashioned puppet.

He almost chokes the words 'Shepard... I can't...'

'I underestimated you, Shepard'

Another familiar voice, but it never used to throb and pulse as it does now, thick and cloying like the smell of incense in a tiny room, burning ochre trails in the air.

The Illusive Man speaks, and she can't move.

He keeps talking; about control? She can't follow what he's actually saying against the noise scraping its way through her mind.

She tries to speak, manages only a single word.

'W-Why..?'

He starts talking again and again she can't understand. Only fragmented words push their way through pain and into comprehension: the reapers, the relays, humanity, control. Always control.

Anderson's arguing with him; trying to convince her. It's no use. She can't put the words together to answer.

The Illusive Man's getting angry, though. She can tell as much by the change in texture of the noise twisting around him as his expression.

She can almost see it; darkness pours off him.

No, that's real. His face is streaked with black, the markings sparkling phosphorescent blue in their depths as they crawl over his body. Saren's alterations had been contained; these are almost organic in the way they've spread.

He's looking at her as if expecting an answer. She tries again, each word an effort:

'You're – you're just power-hungry. You've clouded your vision-'

'No! No, It's not that simple..'

The sensation lifts, slightly. Some of her usual confidence creeps back into her voice.

'Isn't it? You'd give up anything for control.'

'Yes! If not me, who else? You've already demonstrated your unwillingness to go far enough, to do what's necessary for the survival of humanity. I've dedicated my life to understanding the Reapers. I know with certainty the Crucible will allow me to take control of the them.'

'And...and then what?'

He smiles, and flecks of light twist under his skin. The smell of sour ash floods her nose as the roar fills her head.

She feels the shock from recoil from her pistol as Anderson staggers back, a dark stain spreading over his side.

She can't remember having pulled the trigger.

'...they wield! See the power _I_ wield!'

Shepard tries again, futilely, to move. Settles for snarling; 'I can see what they did to you.'

He steps forward. ' I took this from them, made it my own. You still don't understand, this isn't about me or you, this is about things far bigger than all of us!'

Anderson speaks, his voice rough with pain. 'He's...wrong. Don't listen... '

'And who would you listen to, Shepard? An old soldier, only able to see the world through the barrel of a gun? What if he's wrong? Control is more than possible, I assure you.'

'Then do it! Open the Citadel arms, let the Crucible dock.' Shepard says, shaking.'End this now.'

The Illusive Man falters.'I will.'

'Do it!'

He twists his hands together in jerky, uncoordinated movements and the noise of his control rises and falls with with them.

'I _know_ it will work-'

'But you can't actually do it, can you?' She tries to smile, ends up with only a twisted parody of the expression. 'They won't let you.'

'No! I'm in control!'

Anderson's voice is a rasp. 'Listen to yourself! Y-you're indoctrinated.'

'No. No! I will not listen to the two of you standing there so self righteous! I made sacrifices for this power.'

'You sacrificed too much.'

The Illusive Man steps forward. 'Everything I've ever done has been to protect Humanity-'

'Then do one last thing for them. Let us go; we can handle the rest.'

He stops, straightens. 'I- no. I can't let you do that, commander.'

He pulls a pistol out from under his jacket and gazes at it for a moment.

'You'd undo everything I've accomplished. I can't let that happen.'

'Everything you've accomplished? You've had us fighting each other when we should have been fighting the Reapers. You've sacrificed us for your own selfish lust for control! You've done more to-'

She finds herself unable to continue, her voice drowned out by the booming in her skull. Darkness pours greasily off the Illusive Man as he shoves Anderson to the side. He's yelling, but all she can hear is the bass scraping of the Reapers.

But her gun is still in her hand.

Her action is, by now, completely reflexive.

The Illusive Man crumples as he falls backward, and everything goes quiet. Even the burning smell around him subsides.

Slowly, Shepard limps towards the console, which is … simpler than she expected. A diagram of the Citadel, minimally annotated. She slides the holographic Wards apart and almost instantly, the real ones follow.

The sides of the chamber open, revealing the curve of Earth below. Even on the day side of the planet, she can see the bright patches of red and orange marring the landscape. Warship debris floats silently past, so twisted she can't tell what species built it, no matter what kind of ship it's from.

A deep vibration pushes up through her feet, shaking the room. Parts of the hologram in front of her light up. The Crucible has finally docked.

She pushes herself away from the console and carefully lowers herself beside Anderson, letting her exhaustion take over.

He looks towards her, smiles. 'Commander'

'We did it.' she answers.

'Yes, we did.' He looks up towards the ongoing battle, his voice awed. 'It's quite a view.'

'Best seats in the house.' She grins, then winces at the pain caused by even that tiny movement.

The view _is_ incredible. Beyond the Citadel the battle continues, invisible weapons causing spaceships to bloom into flames and debris to silently expand into space. She can't tell who's winning right now, but in a few minutes that won't matter – the machinery looming above them has been humming into activity ever since the Crucible docked. It has to fire soon.

She glances to her right. Anderson's slumped over, his eyes half closed.

'Anderson?' His eyelids flicker.

'Hmm'

'Stay with me. We're almost through this.'

'You did good, child. You did good. I'm proud of you.'

'Thank you, sir.'

He doesn't respond. 'Anderson?'

She pushes herself up to look at him, straining against the pain of movement. Checks to see if he's breathing, knowing it's futile even as she does it. Sinks slowly back onto the floor. Before, in situations like this when on Virmire, Akuze, even when she thought Garrus was dead in front of her on Omega she'd been furious, spurred on by tragedy. Here she just feels utterly blank, a deep growing hollowness in her stomach and she hates herself for it.

Looking down, she can see that not all the blood on the floor is Anderson's, the dark stain instead spreading out from under her hip.

She can't remember being shot, at least, not there.

A voice over the radio pulls her out of her reverie.

'Shepard. Commander!'

She tries to drag herself upwards, slips and falls to her knees. 'Hackett?' He's speaking in the same detached tone he used to give her new assignments, back on the SR1. Here the sheer incongruity of it makes her want to laugh. It's like something out of a bad dream. 'I – What do you need me to do?'

'Nothing's happening. The Crucible's not firing, it's got to be something on your end.'

After a few false starts, she manages to crawl towards the control panel and pull herself up onto it, leaving a trail of bloody handprints behind her. A few minutes ago it had seemed suspiciously simple. Now she's squinting into the pink light, barely able to focus on it.

'Shepard!'

'I don't – I can't see what do do'

She tries to lever herself to get a better look at the screen. Stops to take a breath before she lifts a hand to interact with the screen, setting her off balance. She slides and hits the floor.

 

Everything goes white.

 


	4. 2.1: Above

_2.1: Above_

 

_xU rre arhou nUdLYIn vl doodu/._

_(The blessing is laid on the vast land)_

_xU rre lyuma zUzLYIx/._

_(The star falls into despair)_

 

 

The Crucible has docked with the Catalyst, and Shield, having delivered their superweapon, moves to engage the enemy. Geth ships dodge and weave in perfect formation. Salarian ships bristle with exotic weaponry, while the turian crews make do with sheer firepower. It is still not enough.

The more powerful ships, the dreadnoughts, the modified liveships, all the other creations of desperation and brutality have been assigned to the Sword fleet, to divert attention from the only real threat. With few exceptions, none of the ships in Shield have the firepower to overcome a Reaper's kinetic shielding.

With few exceptions.

 

Across the increasingly wreckage-littered gulf of space, the flagship of the Citadel fleet has found her counterpart.

 


	5. 3: Omness chs ciel sos infel

3: _Omness chs ciel sos infel_

 

_xU rre urgn zz tUkd ut LYAglansee,_

_(The laments already aren't reaching us now,)_

_targue rre qejyu zUzx_

_(and even if the people are still despairing,)_

_ag tUn za vUt dn balduo sefanl/._

_(they will stop living in the forest of darkness.)_

 

Dark trees pierce the fog.

_Wait a minute._

There is a faint smell of smoke in the air.

_This isn't right._

She's been here before.

_I'm dreaming. Dreaming!_

She has to find the boy.

_No. I have to wake up. I need to..._

She grabs a branch, uses it to pull herself upwards.

_What was I doing?_

Flakes of bark stick to the blood on her fingers.

_I needed to fix something._

Dead leaves crunch beneath her boots.

_Something important._

She can see a pale figure in the distance.

_Something to do with the Reapers._

She speeds up.

_Hackett said..._

The boy turns, opens his mouth.

_The Crucible!_

'Shepard!'

 

'Wake up.'

The boy's still there, standing over her. That he's a ghostly figure of blue light doesn't seem to be relevant – she can tell at some instinctive level that he's the boy from Earth. The boy who's been haunting her dreams ever since she left the planet.

That in itself annoys her. Three years ago she had too many things messing with her head; since then it's only got worse.

The boy sounds annoyed too.

'Shepard. Get up.'

She slowly complies, every muscle protesting. As she looks up, she takes in her surroundings. Stars burn overhead with the clarity of vacuum. She and the boy are standing on a platform that splits into three parts, the right and left dominated by machinery lit red and blue. The path ahead is different, leading into a pillar of green light that plunges deep below and stretches above into another mass of machinery. It takes her a moment before realises that it's the Crucible. The light the pillar gives off is oddly compelling, the green of sunlight through new leaves. She pulls her gaze away from it to glance behind her.

There's no way back. She didn't really expect anything else.

'Where am I?'

The boy's expression is unreadable. 'The Citadel. My home.'

She waits for more of an explanation, but he just stands there, watching, and she's the one who cracks first.

'Who are you?'

'The Catalyst.'

'Isn't the Citadel the Catalyst?'

'No. The Citadel is part of me.' He stops again; his eyes fixated on hers, his only movement the twisting of light that makes up his body,.

She glances upwards at the smooth bulk of the Crucible. Looks back at the boy. _I have to try, don't I?_

'Can you help me?' She's speaking slowly, trying to hold back her urge to just grab him by the shoulders and shake him. 'I need to use the Crucible to destroy the Reapers.'

'Perhaps'

'Perhaps?' She's struggling to keep her voice level.

'I control the Reapers. They were a solution, but your presence here means they are no longer valid.'

'Wait-'

'You must help find a new solution.'

'A solution to _what_?'

'Chaos.'

'The created always rebel against their creators. We found a way to stop that, and restore order for the next cycle.'

'By wiping out organic life yourselves, before they can create anything? How is that any different?'

He turns to face her, as calm as before. 'No. We harvest the advanced civilisations, leaving the younger ones alone. Just as we left your people behind, the last time we were here.' He doesn't wait for an answer before he sets off again, walking towards the split in the path.

_That isn't what I asked about._

'You killed the rest.'

'We helped them ascend so they could make way for new life. They live on in Reaper form.'

'Really? How much of them is left in the Reaper they become?

'More than what would be left if we let them destroy themselves. This way, they will never create synthetics and life is never at risk as a whole. That is our solution.'

'You took away any choice they had. We think for ourselves. That's the defining characteristic of organic- no, it's the defining characteristic of all sapient life! If you're not preserving that, you're not preserving anything. Just _machines._ Like you are.'

It's not the most eloquent argument that she's ever made.

The boy stops. They're at the junction now, the pillar casting an eerie glow on her skin.

'You have choice.' For a moment, she imagines she can almost hear a hint of wistfulness in his voice. 'More than you can ever know. That you are standing here, the first organic ever, proves it. It also proves my solution won't work any more.'

Shepard sank down into a crouch, her eyes level with his. 'So now what.'

'We find a new solution.'

She nearly laughs. 'I have a suggestion; You could leave the galaxy. That would solve a lot.'

'That would solve nothing. But we have other options. The Crucible has changed me, opened up new possibilities. I can't make them happen, but you can.'

He looks towards the red-lit machinery, and Shepard is suddenly there in front of it: her hands wrapped around her pistol as it comes apart, the heat and light of the explosions spreading from its depths.

The vision only lasts a few seconds, then she's back at the crossroads, nauseous, trying to catch her breath.

The boy continues. 'I know you've thought about destroying us. You could wipe us all out, if you wanted to, but the Crucible doesn't discriminate. The geth share our coding, and we left our technology all over the galaxy. Even you are partially synthetic.'

'But the Reapers would be destroyed.'

'Yes. The peace won't last long; only until your grandchildren create more synthetics, and then chaos will come back.'

'Maybe... Wait. You said that your _technology_ would be destroyed? Does that include the Citadel, the mass relays? Aratoht leaps into mind, the blinking light disappearing from the galaxy map and what it meant: thousands dead, a planet charred to uninhabitability if it hadn't been pushed out of orbit altogether. The thought of that, repeated hundreds of times across the galaxy. 'I can't do that again.'

'They would be damaged, certainly. But you do have other options.' He indicates the tangle of blue lit metal across opposite the red one, and Shepard is pulled into another vision: agony, as she stands with her hands impaled on bars of lightning, and on the edge of her consciousness, a sense of – of vastness? Again, the vision only lasts a few seconds before she's back at the crossroads, residual pain slowly leaving her body.

'Do you think you can control us?'

'So the Illusive Man was right?'

'Yes, but he would never have been able to take control. We already controlled him.'

'But I could do it? The reapers would obey me?'

'Yes. You would die, of course. You would lose everything you have, but in exchange you would control us.'

The boy doesn't give her a chance to respond before he starts talking again. 'There is another solution. Synthesis.'

She's expecting another vision. It doesn't come.'And that is?'

'Add your energy to the crucible's. Everything you are will be absorbed, and then sent out. The chain reaction will combine all synthetic and organic life into a new framework.' He must have noticed her confusion as he adds 'A new... DNA.'

She blinks, trying to make sense of what she just heard. 'What?'

'Why not?' he says. ' Synthetics are already a part of you. Could you imagine your life without them? If you choose Synthesis, there will be no more need for the cycle. Evolution will have reached its final point.'

'No, I meant it makes no sense. Why would me jumping into the Crucible do that? I have synthetic parts, yeah, but they're prosthetics, not at the cellular level. What would happen to synthetics? Plants? Aliens like the volus, who are completely different biologically? The only things I can think of that are integrated like that are husks, and I don't- they're not exactly the apex of evolution. This... this is what Saren was ranting about when Sovereign was controlling him. It's the kind of thing that only makes sense in a dream!'

For a moment, pain once again overtakes her. The impenetrable machinery of the crucible seems to lose cohesion, become no more than piles of twisted metal, and she can smell the acrid sourness of ash. Then it fades.

She shakes her head. 'Am I dreaming?'

The boy watches her, unmoving. 'The ways are open. Make your choice.'

'I -I can't. I can't trust your options. Especially not when all this', she gestures, a sweep of her arm taking in the room 'might not exist outside my own head.'

'Why does that matter? You know what we can do, and our offers are sincere. You have proven yourself worthy many times to decide the fate of the galaxy. On the Citadel, Noveria, Rannoch, Tuchanka... You never hesitated before.'

She breathes in, slowly, deliberately. _No. They were different. That was when I could trust myself._ 'If you’re lying about that, you could be lying about anything. Why would you give me the option to destroy you, if it wasn't some kind of trick?'

'It is a solution. If you do not care about the destruction of the geth, or the damage to the relays, or that it is only temporary... the way is open. It might not be the solution we would prefer, but it is a solution.' As he speaks, his gaze is fixed on the red-lit column.

She stays still. 'No. This can't be real. There will be another way we can beat you.'

'Do you really believe that?' the boy says. 'Your crewmates didn't.'

A burst of memory overtakes her. She' s back by the lockers on the crew deck of the SR1, talking to Ash – _Ash I'm so sorry, I had to make that_ _decision,_ _and you_ _were the more expendable. That's all.._ _. -_ about the Reapers. Ash is cleaning her shotgun as she talks, carefully wiping down each dismantled piece.

'Damn straight I'll fight them, Skipper, but I'm infantry. Against a Reaper, my rifle might as well shoot spitballs. I won't have a place in this war-'

Another moment of disorientation, and she's sitting opposite Thane in the SR2, the dryness of the room harsh against her nostrils, the grain of the desk barely noticeable beneath her fingertips. _Is this how he_ _used to feel_ _, when he was having his flashbacks?_ He's speaking; 'My body was only the tool they used. If you kill a man with a gun, do you hold the gun responsible?' _No. I don't agree._ _People_ _need to take responsibility_ _for_ _... Wait. Am I angry now, or am I just remembering being angry?_

Another. The Shroud, on Tuchanka. She can hear the tower creak as Mordin turns back in the lift, grinning. 'Someone else would have gotten it wrong.' _That's not-_

Again. Even through the QEC, Anderson's hologram stutters and flickers. It's not enough to hide the exhaustion on his face. 'We're hitting the Reapers every chance we get. Mostly guerilla style hit and runs, but it's not enough. We need to..'

The memory skips. She has the briefest impression of dawn coloured light before it reforms into the Heretic Station. She's standing at a console looking down at their servers, Legion standing by her side. 'If we do not overwrite them, we destroy them.' they say. 'Do not hesitate now. They will exterminate your species because their gods tell them to. You cannot negotiate with them. They do not share your pity, remorse, or fear.' _Legion'_ _s right._ She _didn't_ hesitate, not then. She'd rewritten the heretic runtimes, replaced the Reaper control with her own and not thought twice – well, not until a lot later,  not until the geth ran back to the Reapers in desperation. Why was she hesitating now, when she had the chance to neutralise a far greater threat? Was it just that she was afraid that she'd die, when it would mean saving the rest of the galaxy?The fear that it wouldn't work, that she would lose her grip? Why was that a problem when she could just steer them all into the nearest star? _Why was she hesitating?_

Another memory pushes its way slowly into her consciousness, less sharp, less immediate than the others. The aftermath of the collector mission. The exhaustion, the giddy edge of triumph, the slightly worrying noises coming from the Normandy's engine. What Legion said to her then. 'Your species was offered everything geth aspire to. True unity. Understanding. Transcendence. You rejected it. You even refused the possibility of using the Old Machine's gifts to achieve it on your species' own terms. You are more like us than we thought.'

_Oh, right. That's why._

She's back on the platform before the pillar. The smell of burning is back, a little stronger than it was.

The boy is still there, staring up at her. She searches for meaning in his expression, and fails again to find it.

'You still doubt.'

'No.' she says 'Not any more.'

He nods. 'Good. Make your choice'

She shoots him.

There isn't even a ripple as the bullets pass through the boy's body, but she doesn't stop until the gun overheats,  the warning echoing forlornly in the cavernous space.

As she stands there, panting, the boy  speaks.

'That is not a solution.'

She keeps the gun trained on him. 'Get. Out. Of. My. Head.'

'Why does it bother you if this is taking place physically? Indeed, how else could we have given you this opportunity? Your choice will be carried out regardless.'

A long intake of breath. ' You're a Reaper! If you're telling the truth it would be completely against everything you've done in this war – for all I know, you could do this with everyone you indoctrinate. Saren and the Illusive Man both seemed convinced that the Reapers would help them.'

In a tiny movement, she adjusts her grip. 'I can't risk it'

'You cling very hard to your denial' the boy says 'but you must make this choice.'

'No!'

'You must.'

She slumps inwardly.  _I can't get out of this, can I? Not by talking, not by fighting... Actually, no. I can. It's worth it, to not be left as a Reaper puppet._

_I can't do any less than he did._

She spins the gun around, brings it up to her face, pulls the-

pulls-

The gun remains still in her hand.

The boy's outline begins to fray, and his voice, always slightly off, gains harmonics more felt than seen, a sound that roots her in place with an emotion that is not quite terror.

'You have failed. No other solution is possible.'

'Assuming direct control.'

 


	6. 3.1: Amongst Rubble

_3.1: Amongst Rubble_

 

_xN rre cia n.m.l. ut talam ag f.r.l. du tussu/._

_(The sky is being dyed with the colour of the dawn, and I tremble with the_

_presentiment of change.)_

_xN rre sarr m.n.g. du tyui lyuma/._

_(Let's try to catch that tiny star once more)_

 

 

 

 

They dart between ruined cars and chunks of concrete, scorchmarks and bulletholes telling the history of past battles around them. So far, it's been relatively quiet – a few marauders, some cannibals, but they're not far from the bulk of the battle.

Kaidan's expecting a banshee to appear behind them, or a harvester blast to crack open the damaged ceiling.

Either would have been better than the sudden silence behind him.

'EDI? Are you all right?'

'This Cerberus Infiltration Unit has lost contact with overriding intelligence. Please provide orders.' she says with a voice stripped of all its usual inflection.

'You...' He gulps. 'Is the Normandy damaged?'

'This Cerberus Infiltration Unit has lost contact with overriding intelligence. Please provide orders.'

'Uh- Follow me and provide cover.'

'Acknowledged.'

She falls back into position, but there's something off about her movements. They're not quite stiff, but they're not as natural as usual and her face is slack and expressionless. It reminds him uncomfortably of when the body was Dr Eva's, chasing him down on Mars.

And then there's the implications of what that meant for the ship. He tries and fails to put those thoughts aside.

They make their way slowly through the abandoned carpark. When they detect one the few marauders or cannibals in the area, EDI simply steps out and guns them down, showing none of her usual concern for stealth or even personal damage.

They're nearly at the exit when she stumbles again, but this time when she straightens her movements are smoother, more human.

'EDI? Are you alright?'

'Connection re-established.' She says as she steps closer ' I apologise if I caused you any distress; the Normandy has only suffered minor damage so far.'

'Then why did you lose contact?'

'A Reaper electronic attack directed at the fighting in London. I have not yet analysed its intended effect.'

'You don't know? Could they have gained access to you?'

'It's very unlikely. My cyberwarfare suites have not- Get down!' She shoves him to the ground, as shockingly strong as she had been on Mars, and pulls herself over him.

He tries to protest, but can't get half a word out before the concrete above him starts shaking and the world fills with noise.


	7. 4:Replekia

_4:Replekia_

 

_xN rre hNmNmNrN ayulsa/._

_(And she continues singing...)_

_xN rre hNmNmNrN ayulsa/._

_(And she continues singing...)_

_xN rre hNmNmNrN ayulsa/._

_(And she continues singing...)_

_xN rre hNmNmNrN ayulsa/._

_(And she continues singing...)_

 

 

She wakes to the smell of dust.

Shepard lies on her back under a sky the colour of a bruise. Warnings flash red over her visor as she struggles to breathe.

Despite that, she feels triumphant. Exhausted, but triumphant.

 

Then the pressure hits.

 

The ruined buildings, the smell of ash, the corpses, the sounds of gunfire, her vision, the _pain_ all drop away under the crushing weight.

 

She can't move can't breathe can't _think_

 

but still pushes back

 

unconsciously, the way a chair pushes back when you sit on it

 

while the weight bears down on her

 

desireless, unknowable, like the depths of the ocean

 

and she still pushes back

 

for seconds or hours or days

 

and then it's broken by a shock of light and sound and pain all too huge to grasp to understand but in amongst them a sense of something like confusion like disbelief

 

Once again, everything goes dark.


	8. 4.1: Wasteland

_4.1: Wasteland_

 

_xA harr hLYUmLYUmOrO eje/._

_(She sings the song of her crazed heart)_

_xA sorr kLYUvLYUr du qejyu/._

_(Her singing covers those pained people)_

_xI rre fIrIlU hIlIsUsU ayulsa dazua/._

_(Frightened and grievous in eternal darkness)_

 

 

'Garrus!' Liara's voice breaks the quiet. 'Garrus, can you hear me?'

He shakes his head in an effort to clear it and pushes gingerly at the tilted slab of wall that nearly crushed him.

' I was lucky – it just missed me.' He's internally shocked at the roughness of his voice, although he knows he shouldn't be. ' What's happening? Is Tali alright?'

'Thank the Goddess you're alright! Um, she's OK, she's trying to fix her defence drone.' Her voice becomes sterner as a blue glow seeps into the concrete. 'I'm going to try and lift this off you, so try to stay as still possible.'

There are some worrying cracking noises above him, but the broken wall is slowly pulled away and he can finally uncurl from around his Widow and escape into the dust filled room.

Liara smiles as he slips out, then lets the floating piece of masonry crash back into place.

He stretches. 'What did that? I didn't see a harvester approach, and this building should have withstood ravager fire.'

' I don't think it was either. I had a message from the fleet – the Ascension managed to shoot down Harbinger. I think we might have been caught in the edge of the shockwave.' She moves towards the downwards staircase, testing each step before she puts her foot down. 'And before you ask, I haven't heard much since then. Everything's rather garbled, and I'm more used to getting actual reports that someone has at least tried to edit for readability.'

He follows her. 'Garbled? Do you mean electronic interference?' He can hear Tali's drones now as the get lower, both Chiktikka's chirrups and the deeper rattle of her defence drone.

'No, I don't mean electronic interference.' Liara says tiredly 'I mean no two pieces of information agree on much and when there's _so many_ coming through...' She sighs. ' The Reapers are abandoning their usual tactics for this battle, that's obvious, but no one can agree on why they're doing it or the best way to counter attack.'

' We can't do anything about that at the moment. This building's not secure, we need to move before doing anything else.'

Liara nods, the light of her barrier throwing throwing ripples over the rubble. 'Yes, You're right. Tali's by the door.'

 

Tali's crouched by the entrance, her omni-tool unfolded into it's map configuration. She looks up at them as they reach the bottom of the stairs.

'I think I've found us a way back to the base.' she says nervously. 'This route avoids most of the wreckage, that I've heard about anyway, and nothing big has turned up on the radar for the last few minutes. I just can't be sure since I lost contact with the geth networks.'

Garrus bends closer to examine the map. It is a good plan – maybe a little more conservative than his usual choices, but that doesn't matter much right now. Not when its completely unworkable for other reasons.

'We can't do that.' he says. 'We need to go...' his talon traces a backstreet leading into a zone crosshatched in red. 'here.'

Tali's indignant 'What! That'll get us killed, didn't you get the message from Major Coates when he led the led the survivors out? It's swarming with husks and worse!'

Liara's quieter. 'Command sent in a krogan squadron to try and clear it, but why do you want to try?' Her mouth twists. 'You- you're not suggesting trying another beam run, are you? We've not heard back from anyone who went up that.'

'No.' He looks up to them, Liara looks, well dismayed is the mildest term he could use. As for Tali, her face might be covered but her body language could be very expressive.

'That's where we need to go because that's where the Commander is. I should know – I've been shooting husks off her for the last fifteen minutes.'

 


	9. 4.2: Aftermath

_4.2: Aftermath_

 

_xE rre lAnAcAaA eje/._

_(So, let us tie the hearts together)_

_xA rre hLYAmAmArA sphaela/._

_(And let us sing for the sake of this world)_

_xA rre cLYAzE tafane arhou hymmnos/._

_(Let us sing the song of shining hope)_

_xA rre yAzAtA aje tafane nEmElA sphaela/._

_(And let us wish for this world to be shrouded in brand new radiance.)_

 

It's bad. Not quite as bad as they feared, but still bad.

The slow crawl from the safer streets to the more open spaces, everyone crouching behind inadequate cover, sending the drones off to sweep before dashing madly to the next pile of rubble. They hear the distant shriek of banshees, the three of them freezing until it passes. They only come across one in the flesh; thankfully its alone and they can destroy it by the simple means of Liara locking it in place with a stasis bubble while the others pelt it with bullets.

The husks seem slightly more disorganised than usual. It's hard to tell, but while before they seemed to have some semblance of tactics – the ravagers pinning you down, the human husks trying to flush you out – now there's an aimlessness in their movements. Not that they had stopped trying to rip you apart as soon as they saw you, but something had changed.

Or perhaps it hadn't. He was easily tired enough to be imagining it.

The first friendly they see is a young krogan, the camouflage on his armour inexpertly covered with Urdnot clan colours.

'Hey, claw-head!' he yells, grinning. 'You're going the wrong way! Or are you just looking for somewhere private to go with those girlfriends of yours?'

Tali snickers. Liara tries to keep a little more dignity. 'We left someone behind.' she says 'We need to bring her back.'

The krogan's face falls. 'No. You don't. I've seen what it it's like back there. There's reaper bits everywhere, and the ground's ripped up like a big maw just went through it. Unless your friend's Urdnot Wrex, there's no way they would have survived-'

Garrus can't take it much longer. 'What if they were Commander Shepard?'

The krogan's eyes go wide 'What, really? Commander Shepard? Were you there when she cured the Genophage? Or blew up the Collectors?' A note of awe enters his voice. 'Is it true she killed a reaper _on foot?_ '

' I'll tell you about it if you help us recover her, ok?' Garrus says, trying to keep the impatience out of his voice.

' Great! There aren't that many husks down there any more – I think the falling stuff killed them.' He cackles. 'Squish! Or – do you think Shepard killed them all?'

He carries on talking all the way to the edge of the area still dominated by the massive beam. It's covered with wreckages – boxy human M44s and M37s, a few more elegant turian unguis and asari hovertanks, but everything's overshadowed by the looming silhouettes of reaper debris. One broken tentacle looks like it is twitching slightly, like a shot varren that hadn't realised it was dead yet.

That might be a bit too morbid. Garrus shakes himself and goes over to Tali and Liara, who are setting up their drones.

'Glyph too?' he asks softly as the krogan goes charging off into the rubble. Liara doesn't look up 'Yes.' She says quietly. 'It might not have any weaponry, but it does have advanced pattern recognition software... How do you want to do this?'

' Last I saw her she was nearly at the beam, near a wrecked mako.' He gestures at the field of destruction before them. 'I know that doesn't help us much now, but if we get close enough her hardsuit signal will show up on our radar.'

Liara closes her omnitool and Glyph flies off, taking one half of the battlefield while Chiktikka scans the other. 'Are you ready for what you might find? The odds really aren't that good for her, especially after what Javik told us.' Garrus swallows. 'That was Javik. As for the rest... Let's try to find her _before_ we give up, ok?'

 

She shows up on Garrus's radar first, a flashing blue dot surrounded by distress messages among the cloud of grey dots labelled only with LIFE SIGNS FAILED. But it's Liara who actually spots her in the rubble, the red stripe on her arm the only thing distinguishing from the landscape. It's all he can do to stop himself sprinting towards her and alerting every husk in the area on the way so they converge slowly, like droplets of water running down a sink.

He thinks she's unconscious, at first, but as he yells at the krogan to fetch a stretcher from the nearest mako she tries to push herself up onto her hands and fails, succeeding only in slipping back into the mud. 'Shepard? Liz, just try to stay still..' Her eyes flicker, skittering across his face without focusing on it. 'Ga'us, that you?' She tries to lift a hand, he grasps it before it drops. 'Good. Thought I was dying. Again.' Her voice is rough. He grasps her hand more tightly, tries to keep his voice steady. 'You'll be alright. Tali and Liara are here, we'll get you back to the base. Just try and stay awake.'

'Yes. Know that.' She slumps slightly 'Garrus?'

'Yes?'

'They're all bastards. Lying bastards. Even the kid.'

He blinks. '… Wait, what?'


End file.
